Divorces Are Made In Heaven (Oscar Wilde)..... But Are They Though?!!

I feel I must disagree with you Mr Wilde!

I am writing this today having reached the 1 year anniversary of the ending of my marriage this weekend. I can absolutely tell you hand on heart that never has there been a more turbulent (AKA Crap!) time in my life and a time when I spent so many hours wondering, "why the hell am I here?" But I stuck with it and carried on, fighting all the time for my kids' security and as much stability as possible, knowing that although I wished they didn't have to join the statistics of children from broken homes, if I stayed with their Dad I would shrivel up like the proverbial prune and well, die I guess. I already felt mostly dead inside anyway and had done for years. I had forgotten who I was and what I had to offer the world. I'd become a Mum, which of course I cherish, but where had the rest of me gone? I wasn't christened, "Mummy!", and surely life was not all about being covered in weetabix, snot and baby poo or having to be a world class cook, teacher, negotiator, taxi driver, counsellor, domestic goddess, etc, while my partner did very little to help. So what had happened to Sarah? I realised that if I wanted to get myself back again I had to make a break from the person who was draining me of creativity, adventure and fun.

Decision made, then came an extraordinarily long journey, navigating mediation, solicitors and finally court with a devastating outcome that rocked my world. Almost 3 years to reach that point and I was left with barely anything:- no home, no financial security, no faith in the legal system! But I had my kids and the knowledge that I had done everything in my power to protect them. I remember after the court hearing, there were so many days where I was just going through the motions, my head and my heart being somewhere/anywhere else, not wanting to acknowledge what had happened and how I had come to be in this position. So I had to make a choice:- either stay on that downward spiral of despair or get off my arse and change my stars. I thought about counselling or antidepressants but neither felt right for me. I knew that my response to my circumstances was to blame for those feelings of despair and for me, pity and empathy were the last things I needed. So I sat myself in front of the mirror and started to coach myself! I was quite rude and brutal actually.... saying things to myself that I would never dream of saying to my clients! But do you know what? It only bloody worked! And it worked incredibly quickly. I started off in floods of tears, then after some very stern words to myself and some incredible light bulb moments where I suddenly realised I had some HUGE limiting beliefs that were adding to my stresses, I started to think about my situation very differently and literally within a few minutes I was feeling SOOOO much better.

So here I sit now, today, one year on, feeling stronger, more empowered and independent than ever and knowing without question that I made the right decision and that I am now in control of my life and that I do matter.

If you are there, going through this, feeling like you can't go on, wondering if it will ever end and if you will get to feel whole again, please believe me, you can. You've got this. Remember how strong you are and that you have survived this far, living in whatever unhappy circumstances have led you to this part of your life. Life is not supposed to be a constant strain and humans were definitely not designed to feel trapped and caged. If you are experiencing those dark times, please remember that this will get better. Materially you may not have all the things you had hoped for when it is over, but you will have your soul and your freedom. And you can't buy those! The divorce statistics will show you that you are not on your own. Millions of people have been through or are going through the same right now.

So for now, I send to you love, strength and courage and my hope that you very soon find the peace that you deserve.

I'll finish my story with a quote I came across which sums up pretty much how I felt!

"Daily I walk around my small, picturesque town with a thought bubble over my head: 'Person Going Through A Divorce.' When I look at other people, I automatically form thought bubbles over their heads. 'Happy Couple With Stroller.' 'Innocent Teenage Girl With Her Whole Life Ahead Of Her,' ... 'Young Kids Kissing Publicly.' Then every so often I see one like me, one of the shambling gaunt women without makeup, looking older than she is: 'Divorcing Woman Wondering How The Fuck This Happened.'" –Suzanne Finnamore, Split: A Memoir of Divorce

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